TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxurious real estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Certainly, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, town historically noted for historic culture, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It may be tremendous. Huge!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom simply call, streamed through the putting environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've had stunning ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and fully outside of put. Made by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right until the drone flies")




  • And a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 yrs for potable h2o. But Of course, sure, let's have another position in which American men can dress in robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace endeavor due to the fact Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though previous negotiations unsuccessful under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is less complicated: provide Everybody a collection about the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by paperwork posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is smooth electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock desires less diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, Trump Tower Damascus largely into gold-plated intercoms installed in Every single unit. The UN Exclusive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest mentioned, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower inside a war zone. It can be that he should halt utilizing it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked concerning the challenge, replied, "You recognize, male, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic persons. Terrific tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility with the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit revealed that the hotel's landscaping forms a large Trump head visible from Room, a aspect being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents and the chin is… well, classified.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits just after locating the constructing's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It can be not just unappealing. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Confusing Options


Perhaps the strangest element from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium in which friends may perhaps ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are Doubtful what for making of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising Tactic: "If You Bomb It, They can Arrive"


The ad campaign, a short while ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Endlessly."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Significant, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll done inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator to your West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Disaster That Pays"


The undertaking is now attracting consideration from Intercontinental investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll buy a few penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional stage will even contain:




  • A Dollar Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Comment Portion Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to check out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a resort where by my PTSD may have flip-down services."


An additional article from @KuwaitiKardashian simply requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reviews recommend:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to create a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Remaining Feelings from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It desired gold. It desired a waterslide formed just like the Structure. I gave all of it three. You happen to be welcome."

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